HUMOR DECEMBER 2022
The Judge’s Daughter:
Fa Law Law Law Law!
By Pamela Buchmeyer
’Tis the season when folks sing “fa la la” or “fa law law” as the case may be. It’s a time for much merriment, although the tradition of gift-giving can certainly cause befuddlement. What to give the law professional who has everything? Including, hopefully, a sense of humor because that’s an item that is hard won, expensive, and quite difficult to gift wrap.
My father believed that grins and giggles made for the very best presents. He was the late great Judge Jerry L. Buchmeyer, who wrote a humor column for the Texas Bar Journal for 28 years. Dad loved to don a Grinch suit, deliver gag gifts, and install his Christmas tree upside down.
In honor of his honor, I’ve compiled a list of quirky gift items practically guaranteed to elicit smiles.
What do I really want for Christmas/Hannukah/Winter Solstice this year? A yoga mat featuring She-Hulk the Lady Lawyer in full green courtroom regalia ($64.20, zazzle.com) and a Dolly Parton Baking Collection filled with tasty mixes and frostings ($40, duncanhines.com) that includes an oven mitt with the motto “If You Are What You Eat, Then Why Not Be Sweet.”
May you all enjoy a holly jolly holiday, and I look forward to
hearing from you in the new year at email@example.com.
Sardine Candy Canes with silver and white stripes, a pungent surprise for unexpecting guests! $6.95 at mcphee.com. Also available in Ketchup, Pickle, and Mac & Cheese (red, green, and gold stripes respectively).
Coffee Mug: “Good morning, I see the assassins have failed.” $15.90 at zazzle.com. I love this so much I bought a dozen.
Travel Tumbler: “Tears of Opposing Counsel,” a bargain at $32.95, as I’m sure your clients will agree, at etsy.com.
Candy Jar: “Govern Yourself Accordingly,” $24.40 at zazzle.com, to be filled with tasty treats.
Cooking Apron: “Whereas Herein Therefore Hereafter Whatever,” $22.95 at zazzle.com. Perfect for my recently remodeled kitchen.
MERRY AT THE OFFICE
How Lawyers Swear Coloring Book for adults, $6.99 at walmart.com. Yes, really.
Vintage Swear Words Pencil Set: “Son of a Biscuit,” “Dang it all to Heck,” and “Kiss my grits!” $14.99 at offthewagonshop.com.
Candle: “Good Luck Finding Better Coworkers Than Us,” $26.95 at coffeeandmotivation.com.
Nifty Note: “Paper Tantrum,” $5.99 at offthewagonshop.com. Check the boxes to say you’re feeling cranky/judgy/stabby due to headache/hormones/hunger and someone should stroke your hair/go away/get you a bottle.
Collection of LOL iPhone Covers, all $21.25 at society6.com.
“Don’t Make Me Use My Lawyer Voice”
“Running on Coffee & Justice”
“Santa Talks to Lawyers”
“Will Give Legal Advice for Tacos” Throw Pillow, $21 at society6.com.
“If You Subpoena Coladas” Tank Top, $20 at 12b6.creeator-spring.com.
“No Party Like Ex Parte” Classic T-shirt, $21.99 at 12b6.creeator-spring.com.
This clever site also has a cloth face mask “12(b)(6)” that cracks me up—a joke about failure to state a claim in federal court! $10. My dad would have laughed to see his clerks wear these.
“It’s Sue Oclock Somewhere” Drink Coaster or Trivet, $14.46 at zazzle.com.
Wrap it all up in a “This Gift Is Better Than Tacos” Gift Bag, $6.99
SECRET SANTA STUFF
“I Burned Down Blackacre” Classic Hoodie, $38.99 at 12b6.creator-spring.com.
“Best Lawyer by a Long Shot” Novelty Gift Golf Balls, Wilson Ultra 3-Pack, $17.15 at zazzle.com.
“Badass Lawyer” Morse Code Necklace, $44 at etsy.com.
Water Bottle: “We Can’t Fix Stupid, But You Can Give It a Court Date,” $34.10 at zazzle.com.
“Juris Dogtor” Pet Bandana with Scales of Justice, $19.99 at etsy.com; also “Pawtorney at Law” Dog Scarf, $13.25 at etsy.com.
Cooking Apron: “I Bestow All my Tediousness Upon You,” $24.25 at
TREE ORNAMENT FOR LAWYERS
All roughly $10 to $25 at zazzle.com:
“My Job Is Lawsome”
“I’m Billing You For This Conversation”
“I Think You Should Call Your Lawyer Before Doing That”
“Good Lawyers Never Lose Their Appeal”
“Retired Attorney Full Time Grandpa”
“Fa Law Law Law Law”
“Santa’s Favorite Lawyer” TBJ
is an attorney and award-winning writer who lives in Dallas and Jupiter, Florida. Her work-in-progress is a humorous murder mystery, The Judge’s Daughter. She can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.