HUMOR

The Judge’s Daughter: The Verdict Is In! Great Gift Ideas

By Pamela Buchmeyer


My family had an unusual holiday tradition—the “all I don’t want for Christmas list.”

It was a compendium of “don’t you dare” gift ideas—awful items and atrocious oddities that made us either giggle or flinch. We’d cut out pictures and paste them onto posters affixed to the refrigerator door.

Any item on anyone’s “don’t” list was strictly banned. No one could gift it to any other family member. But any item that escaped notice was fair game.

Thus, I couldn’t give my brother a soap dispenser shaped like a human nose where antibacterial goo dripped from its nostrils ($17.80, greenbeanbuddy.com).

And my father did not receive an electronic Yodelling Pickle from Archie McPhee’s legendary Rubber Chicken catalog, the perfect gift for any sourpuss ($9.75, batteries included). Dad would be the late Judge Jerry L. Buchmeyer, who for 28 years wrote a humor column for the Texas Bar Journal.

But no one spotted the Feliz Navidog Christmas tie with canines wearing Santa hats before I placed the gift in their hands ($38.50, forcounsel.com). And one year, I happily wrapped bows on sets of Lawyer’s Breath Hot Sauce, Shyster Sauce for barbecue, and Contempt of Court Pepper Sauce from the Judicial Flavors line of food products, now sadly out of production.

In the spirit of a Buchmeyer Christmas, here are gift suggestions for the naughty or nice legal professional on your gift list. Ho, ho, ho! (Prices shown do not include tax or shipping.)

Happy holidays and please consider sending me your gift of a contribution of deposition and trial excerpts for this column, pambuchmeyer@gmail.com.



FOR THE BAH HUMBUG CROWD

“This Lawyer Loves Christmas” T-Shirt
Yes, this is a real item! Olive background with printed legend and Christmas images of trees, reindeer, and candy canes. Unisex sizes. $24.50. See AlwaysRightGifts at etsy.com.

Law-Themed Cupcake Toppers
Perfect for any legal holiday—24 toppers. Images on wood stakes include glittery gavels and scales of justice. $30. See PimpYourParty at etsy.com.

“I’m Grilling A Witness!” Chef’s Apron
Perfect for serving up justice and other treats. Heavy cotton barbecue apron. One size fits all. $21.10. See zazzle.com.

“Attractive Nuisance” T-Shirt
True for all law types. Faded red shirt with sky blue and royal blue lettering. $25. See DefineMeTs at etsy.com.



TRULY BIZARRELY ONE OF A KIND!

Funny Lawyer Cross-Stitch Patterns
This gift takes the prize for originality. Order the pattern kit and complete the sewing yourself. Try the legendary “If you are close enough to read this … I’M BILLING YOU.” $3.40. See CountedCrossStitcher at etsy.com.

Attorney Starfish
A starfish painted to resemble a lawyer holding a law book and a briefcase. The mind boggles. Male and female options. $26. See StarfishArePeopleToo at etsy.com.

Legal Goddess Coffee Mug
Perfect way to start the morning. $22.90. See GranvilleDesigns at etsy.com. See also: Coffee mug inscribed “Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.” Same price.

“ESQ.use Me” T-Shirt
Excuse me for being an attorney! Apologies accepted. White background, black letters. $25. See FPALosAngeles at etsy.com.



FOR
LAW DOGS
Law Books and Scales of Justice Dog Bandana
Because pets make purr-fect law clerks. $8. See DesignsbyCristal at etsy.com.

“Can’t Afford Legal Fees? It’s Okay I’ll Work Pro Bone-O” Dog Decorative Pillow
No, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but the canine graphic will look precious on your sofa. $26.38. See MOTIVATEcraftz at etsy.com.

“Gibbs’ Rules #13—Never, ever involve a lawyer” Dog T-Shirt
On the TV show NCIS, the Gibbs character spouts rules for life in nonsequential order tantalizing fans. Multiple sizes available from teacup breeds to mastiff. $17.99. See cafepress.com. See also: “Gibbs Rules #23—Never mess with a Marine’s coffee … if you want to live.” Prices vary.



FOR COURT WATCHERS

“Only Judy Can Judge Me” T-Shirt
Great gag gift. White letters, black background. $16. See BlasphemeBout at etsy.com.

U.S. Supreme Court Building Cozy Afghan
The gift shop for the Supreme Court Historical Society has just what you’re looking for. Or not if it might cause nightmares. Measures 4’ x 6’. $66.95. See supremecourtgifts.org.

Commemorative U.S. Supreme Court Christmas Tree Ornaments
A new design is released every year. Some are even 3D. Prices vary. See supremecourtgifts.org. See also: Glass Bald Eagle ($18.95) and 24-karat gold multifaceted rosette of U.S. Supreme Court building ($28.95).

Gavel-Headed Pencil
The U.S. Supreme Court gift shop’s best-seller, the gavel-headed pencil has two erasers and is inscribed “With Liberty and Justice for All” and “The Supreme Court of the United States.” Colors vary. $1.25. See supremecourtgifts.org.



FOR LEGAL SHARKS

Humor December 2018
Shark-Shaped Business Card Holder
Laser cut from solid walnut, handmade in Austin, a desktop design with bite. The three-part design can be assembled to face either left or right and slots together in seconds. $18. See uncommongoods.com. Image above courtesy of uncommongoods.com.

Shark Socks
Small gray sharks swim on a navy background. Unisex. $12.95. See forcounsel.com.

Shark Metal Sculpture
This two-piece metal beast will look superb in any lawyer’s garden. (I have the matching mermaid in mine.) $180. See uncommongoods.com.



FOR BOOK LOVERS

Humor 2 December 2018

Devil’s Dictionary Vocation Glasses
Set of two double old-fashioned glasses decorated with iconic law terms and their definitions from Ambrose Bierce’s 1906 satirical Devil’s Dictionary. One glass is inscribed “Proof, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood.” The other is inscribed “Justice, n. A commodity which … the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.” Proving that not all bars require an exam. $25. See uncommongoods.com. Image above courtesy of uncommongoods.com.

Banned Books Matchbooks
Special edition set of five celebrated-yet-once-banned books cleverly reproduced as match “books” in a faux slipcase. Titles are: Slaughterhouse-Five, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Black Beauty, Fahrenheit 451, and Song of Solomon. $9.95. See The Reader’s Catalog, the New York Review of Books at shop.nybooks.com.



FOR
THE HEIRS APPARENT
Briefcase, Lawbook, Scales of Justice, and Gavel Baby Mobile
What infant could possibly sleep with this contraption hanging overhead? $25. See forcounsel.com.

“Mess Ipsa Loquitur” Baby Bib
The stains speak for themselves on this machine-washable item. Easy snap closure. $15.95. See forcounsel.com.



TIE A BOW ON IT

“Lawyers Never Lose Their Appeal” License Plate Frame
How can you possibly live without this item? $14.95. See cafepress.com.

“Best. Lawyer. Ever.” Pillowcase
What sweet dreams would this prompt? Large black block letters on white background. $9.95. See OccupationGifts at etsy.com.TBJ

 

DeVoePAMELA BUCHMEYER
is an attorney and award-winning writer who lives in Dallas and Jupiter, Florida. Her work-in-progress is a humorous murder mystery, The Judge’s Daughter. She can be contacted at pambuchmeyer@gmail.com.

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