HUMOR
The Judge’s Daughter: Tie a Bow On It (Goofy Gifts for Jolly Lawyers)
By Pamela Buchmeyer
Last year I received an incredible Hanukkah present, a menorah shaped
like Lady Justice. She stands blindfolded holding both sword and scales
with nine Hanukkah candles encircling her head.
It’s quirky and Jewish, just like me, so of course, I love it. This year
I’m hoping for a companion piece, a lawyer’s mezuzah case decorated with
a tiny gavel and a law book. You can have one, too, for $45 at
judaica.com.
“‘Tis the season to grin and bear it,” as my father used to say. The
late, great Judge Jerry L. Buchmeyer who penned this column for 28 years
and also enjoyed a most unusual holiday tradition. Dad installed his
Christmas tree upside down.
He’d jam the top pointy end into the tree stand and then invert the
whole thing on its head. I took it for a metaphor. Ornaments dangling
precariously while Dad just sat there grinning and sipping eggnog.
So what do you get the legal professional who has everything—including a
bad attitude? Key rings and coffee mugs and lumps of coal are all too
boring.
I asked around, talking to a number of jolly lawyers who shared stories
about goofy gifts they’d received in Christmases past.
It’s quite a list and I have current ordering information. None of the
jolly lawyers wished to share their names, presumably from fear of
appearing ungrateful.
Wishing you, your families, your clients, and your colleagues a holiday
season that is merry and bright. Ho, ho, ho!
Please send gifts of future submissions for this column to me at pambuchmeyer@gmail.com.
1. Lawyer’s Breath Hot Sauce
Flagrant in its use of garlic and fine chilies; $5 at honestfoods.com.
Chief Shyster,
actually attorney Wendell Peters, a Texas native, created the Judicial
Flavors food brand. Part of the fun is Peters’ ad copy: “Perfect for the
Law Student, this sauce assists with Torts, helps clears up Contract
Law, and has been used as a Res Ipsa Loquitur defense numerous times.”
Other items in the line include:
Award-winning Shyster Barbeque Sauce, Last Will & Testament
Finishing Sauce, Contempt of Court Pepper Sauce, and Under the
Influence Tomatillo Sauce with “intoxicating flavors” that “you
won’t mind failing a field sobriety test for … So, don’t eat [this
stuff] and drive.”
2. Whiskey flask hidden inside a volume of the Atlantic
Reporter.
Handcrafted and the pages actually turn. Six-ounce flask $65,
engraving costs extra. See Greenfire Products at etsy.com. To be used in
case of an
emergency such as a really boring meeting.
3. Monster Maxi-Gavel.
Three feet long, perfect for golf puts and jurisprudence. Dad actually
left me one of these; I use it for croquet. $165 at forcounsel.com.
4. Art print of a Basset Hound dressed as an English
barrister.
A canine homage to the well-known 1910 Vanity Fair barristers print
series. Ingenious for sure. Ships from England, $28. See LoopyLolly at
etsy.com.
5. Glitter wine glass etched “I Object Therefore I
Am.”
Not a set, just the one, but it does come in a wide variety of colors
including neon green and peacock. $29. See ItsOurShangriLa at
etsy.com.
6. Collar stays stamped “Overruled” and
“Sustained.”
The creativity behind some of these items is simply mind-boggling. $18
per set, in brass, bronze, aluminum, or copper. See BardandSmithStudio
at etsy.com.
7. “Come Back With a Warrant” doormat.
Another version reads: “A Lawyer and a Normal Person Live Here.” Both
$24.95 at forcounsel.com.
Barrister rubber ducky image courtesy of carbolicsmokeball.com
8. A barrister
rubber ducky.
It floats. 5.99 British Pounds at carbolicsmokeball.com, a
fun U.K. site named for an infamous product liability case—carbolic acid
does not in fact cure influenza. Ships to U.S. They also have barrister
wig cufflinks for 24 British Pounds.
9. “Squid Pro Quo” art poster.
Great for any gift exchange! Twenty squids in sunglasses wriggle
across a multicolored background. Multiple color options available.
Handmade, professionally printed on thick matte stock paper. $10. See
BentonParkPrints at etsy.com.
10. The law suit coat hanger.
Suitable (pun) for all law firm closets and judicial
cloakrooms. The words “law suit” appear in scrolling aluminum wire below
a sturdy wooden frame, or the honoree’s name can be spelled out
individually. Perfect spot to hang one’s coat. $28.95. Wire and wood
both available in multiple colors. See HopeCustomCreations at
etsy.com.
11. “You’ve Been Served” engraved pie
platter.
Includes image of the scales of justice. Perfect for that legal host
or hostess who also enjoys both serving up justice and baked goods.
Oven, microwave, and dishwasher safe. Two sizes, regular or deep dish.
$19.99. See GoneGirly at etsy.com.
12. Music albums: Chicken Suit for the Lawyer’s
Soul.
Attorney Bob Noone, known as the “Perry Mason of Parody,” has cut two
albums. Available at Barnes & Noble, iTunes, amazon.com, and at his
site lawsongs.com. $12 CD, $9 MP3
download. Sing along to such epics as:
“Fifty Ways to Get Thru Law School,”
“My Lawyer’s [Boyfriend’s] Back,”
“My Will [My Gal],”
“Cover of the A.B.A. [Rolling Stone],”
… plus the hit, “Why Don’t We Get Drunk & Sue?”
Happy Holi-daze!TBJ
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PAMELA BUCHMEYER is an attorney and award-winning writer who lives in Dallas and Chicago. Her work-in-progress is a humorous murder mystery, The Judge’s Daughter. She can be contacted at pambuchmeyer@gmail.com. |
