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'Tis the Season
© Jerry Buchmeyer, 1980


Yes Virginia, there is — there truly is — an et cetera (despite the Scrooges of the world).(1) But you should exercise Caution, along with Happiness and Good Cheer, because legal problems do abound during the holidays. Just consider the recurring troubles of one poor soul(2) — who has been neglected too long by the legal profession:

Dearest John,
I went to, the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes


Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes


Dear John,
Oh! Aren't You the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes


Dear John,
Today the postman delived four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes


Dearest John,
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly all those birds squawking
were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love
Agnes


Dear John
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes


John,
What's with you and those damn(3) birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of -------- joke is this? They never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck and it's not funny. Stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes


OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? And they had to bring their ------ ------- cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me.
Agnes


Hey --------
What are you? Some kind of a sadist. Now there's nine pipers playing. And how they do "play." They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes

You rotten ---------
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. Thev're been carousing (!) with those Pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. So do those birds. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why my house should not be condemned. I'm reporting you to the police.

One who means it,
Agnes


Listen ---------
What's with the eleven lords a'leaping? Maids milking and ladies dancing with playing pipers and leaping lords. It could only be described as an orgy. All 23 of the birds are dead — trampled to death by the cows in the chaos. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes


Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached our petition for Untold Damages.
Cordially,
Badger, Bendor and Cahole
Attorneys &/or Counselors

 


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