Yes Virginia,
there is — there truly is — an et cetera (despite
the Scrooges of the world).(1) But you should exercise Caution, along
with Happiness and Good Cheer, because legal problems do abound during
the holidays. Just consider the recurring troubles of one poor soul(2)
— who has been neglected too long by the legal profession:
Dearest John,
I went to, the door today and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't
have been more surprised.
With
deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All
my love,
Agnes
Dear John,
Oh! Aren't You the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling
but I insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Dear John,
Today the postman delived four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Dearest John,
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings;
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly
all those birds squawking
were beginning to get on my nerves.
All
my love
Agnes
Dear John
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese
are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining
and I can't sleep through the racket. Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
John,
What's with you and those damn(3) birds?? Seven swans a swimming.
What kind of -------- joke is this? They never stop with the racket.
I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck and it's not funny.
Stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight
maids a milking? And they had to bring their ------ ------- cows.
There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me.
Agnes
Hey --------
What are you? Some kind of a sadist. Now there's nine pipers playing.
And how they do "play." They haven't stopped chasing those
maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting
upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am
I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll
get yours,
Agnes
You rotten ---------
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. Thev're been carousing (!) with those Pipers all night
long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. So do those
birds. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause
why my house should not be condemned. I'm reporting you to the police.
One
who means it,
Agnes
Listen ---------
What's with the eleven lords a'leaping? Maids milking and ladies
dancing with playing pipers and leaping lords. It could only be described
as an orgy. All 23 of the birds are dead — trampled to death
by the cows in the chaos. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious
swine.
Your
sworn enemy,
Agnes
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at
Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you
on sight. With this letter please find attached our petition for Untold
Damages.
Cordially,
Badger,
Bendor and Cahole
Attorneys
&/or Counselors
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