November 26, 2003
 
February 2003 - Did She Really Say That?
From Tony J. Wilson of Houston (Sheehy, Serpe & Ware), this excerpt from a deposition of a widow in an asbestosis case who was having difficulty remembering just when she worked outside the home.

Q. Okay. Have you ever worked outside of the house?

A. Oh, for a while I worked — I don’t know just how long it was — at the school cafeteria.
Q. What school was that?

A. Oh, Jackson junior high school

Q. Was that in Pasadena?

A. Yes. In the cafeteria.

Q. About how long did you work in there?

A. Oh, I’d say a couple of years. Not too long.

Q. Do you remember what years those were?

A. Huh?

Q. Do you remember what years you worked for them?

A. No, I don’t.

Q. Do you remember what decade? Was it in the Fifties? Sixties? Seventies?

A. Let’s see. I was working there — I was working down there when John Kennedy landed on the moon.

Q. So —

A. I don’t know what year that was.

Q. — 1969?

A. It’s been a long time. Maybe so. I don’t really know.

November 24, 2003
 
February 1989 - Did I Really Hear That?
From Mary Strand, a staff attorney for the Tyler Court of Appeals, this testimony from a hearing on temporary child conservatorship - by witness who had "obviously not been testifying as expected":

Q. Let me ask you this: Have you been frank in your answers?

A. No, I've been telling the truth.

November 21, 2003
 
December 1986 - Did I Really Hear That?

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

November 20, 2003
 
October 1991 - Did I Really Ask That?
From Judge Joseph H. Hart of Austin (126th District), this passage from an early 1991 hearing.

Q. What happened to this man she was taking care of [at the home care facility]?

A. He's deceased now.

Q. Was he taken out of the home when he had to go to the hospital - he had to be admitted to the hospital?

A. Yes.

Q. And he died and he didn't come back?

A. Yes.

November 19, 2003
 
June 1987 - Did I Really Ask That?
J.Q. Warnick, Jr., the United States Magistrate in Lubbock, contributes these penetrating questions:

Testimony by the defendant's 16 year-old daughter in a criminal detention hearing established her age and the fact she lived in the defendant's house. Then...

Q. Have you ever lived any other place?

A. No, Sir.

Q. So you were living at this house when you were born?

November 18, 2003
 
October 2001 - Did They Really Say That?
From Anonymous in East Texas, these excerpts from a criminal trial involving a pro se defendant. Here, the defendant is cross-examining his own son:

Q. Well...can I ask you this right here? How old was you when your biological father left you?

A. The first time? The second time? The fifth time?

Q. Well, I was just put in the penitentiary once, and I ain't got out yet!

November 17, 2003
 
October 1988 - Did I Really Hear That?
Defendant was being cross-examined about her use of false names:

Q. Have you ever used the name Sharon Prentis?

A. Yes, I did, because I knew James Prentis.

Q. But why were you using his last name?

A. Well, we were living together.

Q. O.K. Were you married?

A. No, but he was my common law date for about six years.

November 14, 2003
 
November 1991 - Is That Objectionable or What?
From Michael M. Essmyer of Houston (Essmyer & Handy), this excerpt from the deposition of his client taken by the defense attorney, Andy Taylor:

Q. What is it that you know about this lawsuit?

Objection [by Mr. Essmyer]: Object to the form of the question as being overly broad, object to it as being vague, and object to it as calling for a legal conclusion, and object to it as calling for speculation.

Respnse [by Mr. Taylor]: Other than that, it was a good question.

November 13, 2003
 
October 2003 - Clear Up Any Possible Confusion
Jerome Levy of Dallas found this "clarification" reported in the Los Angeles Times:

Q. Does Mr. Brown frequent that general locale with regularity?

A. What?

Q. Well, does Jerry hang around the pool hall a lot?

November 12, 2003
 
July 1987 - Did I Really Ask That?
Ronald J. Nelson of Dallas contributes this excerpt from a deposition involving Taylor Hicks of Houston (Andrews & Kurth).

Q. Did you have any telephonic communication with - yourself, relating to negotiating the terms of these contracts in these months?

Mr. Hicks: I want to hear that question back. (After question was read back by the reporter): I object to that question as totally unintelligible.

Q. Do your best [to answer], would you?

A. I didn't talk to myself on the telephone.

Q. Not only don't you talk to yourself, you don't talk to anyone.

Mr. Hicks: Objection to counsel's sidebar and argumentative interjection into the record and instruct the witness to disregard those natures of statements and ask that we get back to question and answer.

November 10, 2003
 
May 2001 — Did They Really Say That?
This deposition excerpt in an automobile accident case comes from Mark A. McLean of Houston. He explains that the female witness is a co-defendant represented by Wayne Adams of Houston - and that Luke Carrabba of Houston, who represented the "target" defendant in the case, was trying to get the co-defendant witness to admit an act of contributory negligence.

Q. (By Mr. Carrabba) In general, do you think if you had been going slower, you would have had a better opportunity to avoid this accident?"

A. Well, I was going below the speed limit, so I was within the law. And, yes, if I had been going like 20 or 25 miles an hour, I might have avoided it; or if I had been going a little faster, I might have avoided it. I mean, I've thought about that; but I was, you know, below the speed limit as it was.

Q. Do you think there was any reasoning by - I'm going to object to my own question as being speculative.

Mr. Adams: Sustained. That sounds bad.

Mr. McLean: Thank you, Judge Adams.

The Witness: I haven't even seen that on TV.

Mr. Carrabba: I knew it when it was coming out. I was thinking "that is so speculative, just shut up. Okay."

November 07, 2003
 
September 1989 - Let's Be Particularly Careful Out There
Edward W. Lavin of San Antonio sends this trial excerpt which involves his good friend, Gus Fennerty. The case is a "DWI" case where the defendant, an elderly female, steadfastly pleaded "not guilty"; the prosecutor is examining the arresting officer:

Q. Now, officer, where was the defendant when you first encountered her?

A. She was still in her car, with the motor running, and the car was off the road and straddling a large log with all four wheels off the ground and spinning.

Q. And what about this incident led you to suspect that the defendant was intoxicated?

A. I climbed on the log and knocked on her window, which was closed. She rolled the window down and gave me a strange look, then looked at her speedometer. Then she looked up again and said, "How can you be keeping up with me. I'm doing 40 miles an hour?"

Edward notes that the defendant changed her plea "immediately after this testimony."

November 06, 2003
 
September 1996 - The Wonderful World of Pro Se
From Sharon Kiel of Dallas, who recently heard the following announcement in a Dallas municipal court when the case against John Jones, defendant was called:

Defendant: Here, and I will be appearing as myself.

November 05, 2003
 
May 1985 - Were You In The Military Service?

Q. Have you ever been in the services?

A. Yes, sir. I went in in '40 and came out in less than 90 days. I was too old for what they wanted, they said.

Q. Were you given some sort of medical discharge?

A. No. I was given an unconditional release. I didn't have enough teeth, they said.

Q. I see. You were just getting too old, huh?

A. I told them I thought I was there to fight them, not bite them.

November 04, 2003
 
July 1989 - I'm Glad We Cleared That Up
Judge Catherine Stayman of Dallas sends this "testimony from today's trial" (in which "the father is testifying in support of his mother - the children's paternal grandmother - gaining custody of his children"):

Petitioner's attorney questions father:

Attorney: How old are you?

Father: 28

Attorney: Have you known your mother personally for several years?

Father: Yes.

Attorney: How long?

Father: About 15 years or so.

November 03, 2003
 
March 1994 - Matters of Opinion
From Anonymous this 1989 order entered by Judge Donald E. Walter:

It is hereby ordered that defendant, Thomas A. Grant, III, is prohibited from introducing any evidence at trial concerning whether James C. Steele has an illegitimate child; whether James C. Steele has burned a live cat; and whether James C. Steel has ever bitten the head off of a live frog.

November 01, 2003
 
February 1989 - Verbal Typos
From Richard Stephens of the U.S. Attorney's Office in Dallas:

A. Now, I'm not calling [the IRS agent] a liar, but I thought she was asking if I had a bank account with enough money to pay all of the taxes.

Q. O.K. You said you weren't calling her a lawyer. Oh - that must be a Freudian Slip...


Subscribe to this feed

Google


About the Judge


In Memory of Judge Jerry Buchmeyer, 1933-2009
Real life Texas Courtroom Humor.
From 1980 to 2008, U.S. District Judge Jerry Buchmeyer entertained lawyers far and wide with his "et cetera" column in the Texas Bar Journal. For this page, we've reached into the vault to bring you classic material spanning two decades of courtroom humor, most of which comes straight from actual depostions and trials.


Say What?! Archives
02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003
03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008
12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009
01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009
02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009
03/01/2009 - 04/01/2009
04/01/2009 - 05/01/2009
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009
06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010

 

Buchmeyer's First Podcast

In June 2006, Judge Buchmeyer was interviewed by the Legal Talk Network.

Click here to listen (Windows Media format)


Classic Articles

Labor Relations: The Wututtut Review Brimelow v. Casson (& A Strike)
June 1983

Jurisdiction: Serving Satan Mayo v. Satan & His Staff
February 1984

Judicial Reasoning: "The Law Is A Ass"
December 1983

'Tis the Season
December 1984

A Fable
March 1985

Classic Article Archive

Links

Order Buchmeyer's new book, Texas Courtroom Humor (pdf format)

Ernie The Attorney Searching for Truth & Justice (in an unjust world)

Inter alia An internet legal research weblog

Lawhaha Andrew McClurg's Legal Humor Headquarters




MyBarPageCalendarContact UsSite Map

Powered by Blogger